My brain is finally starting to really loosen up from 13 days of hell. At one point I thought I was actually going to have a flashback, but fortunately that never happened…I’m so thankful that it didn’t. I wrote this on Thursday in an attempt to document what I was feeling emotionally, mentally and physically. It was not easy, and it ended up taking several hours to write. I’m feeling better, but I am exhausted. I’m getting back up on my feet. Now I just need to dust myself off and get moving again. Thursday 02/19/2015 When it first started
I have a practice on here of being pretty honest about how I’m feeling. Right now I’m in the middle of a big fat FUBAR event. I am certainly dissociating, and have been for several days now. At first I thought it was just going to be a little anxiety attack…nothing unusual. It kept going and growing, but still up until just a few minutes ago I thought it was going to pass. Now I think I might be headed into a full-blown flashback. I’m in a safe place, in contact with my therapist and medical professionals. I am going
It’s been awhile since I was triggered so hard it took days to come down. Still working on it…tired. I don’t feel like “I got this”, but I know I do. White-knuckle days are just so exhausting.
Just ONE. MORE. DAY. Today is what’s called the Dosing Challenge Study – based on the flip of a coin, one of the following happens: I receive a placebo I receive 40 mg of pomaglumetad methionil (the study drug) I receive 160 mg of pomaglumetad methionil About an hour before dosing, I have to participate in a behavioral task/triggering session. Electrodes are attached on my body to record muscle movements, mainly under my eyes to track my blinking. Sweating will also be measured. I will receive mild electric shocks to my wrist while listening to bursts of extremely loud white
Rough Day. Rough Night. Getting up this morning was a little rough since I didn’t get to sleep until around 5AM! But I was up at NYU bleary-eyed and bushytailed at 8:30 AM as per schedule. Screening went smooth, I’m getting used to the drill by now. More assessments, blood work, ECG, physical, please pee in this cup, etc., etc., etc. It was just a couple of hours, then I was free to leave. Again I have to say that the staff there is truly amazing. They are understanding and gentle, and treat me with respect. But god I feel
I really need to get some sleep…I have to be at the hospital for screening at 8:30. The past few nights my parents have been in my dreams again – not doing anything, not saying anything, just watching me and staring at me. It hasn’t been scaring me really; the best way I can describe it is that it has been creeping me out. I really wish I could get the hang of that lucid dreaming thing. Ah well…meditation time. Onward, onward, onward.
Back in my hotel room after a long day and night! I flew in on a redeye and the flight here was crowded and I was squished in my seat by a rather large fellow with a robust snore. At least he slept well. 😉 It was 78 degrees when I left, 10 degrees when I landed. Freaking cold!! But I love it. I made my way to the hotel, got an early check-in with no problem, and after a good breakfast I popped over to NYU for my follow-up bloodwork and last official visit for the Pfizer drug trial. Easy
Alright, so tomorrow I leave for NYC again – one last round of trial meds to go! I’m excited to try it, and I’m excited to be done with it for awhile, because once I get back I can once again focus on my health. For the past six weeks I haven’t been able to take any medications or supplements (such as Melatonin) that might alter the brain scans, and have been under certain nutritional restrictions as well; for example, no caffeine or grapefruit. It feels like things have been on hold, and I’m ready go push forward. One week