Sometimes keeping a positive attitude is ridiculously difficult. The more challenges I face, the more I appreciate the strength of those who really do have the ability to roll with the punches.
The PTSD study was delayed once again, which means I’m back on my meds (a good thing), but will have to come off of them again in just a little over a week (a god-awful thing). Thankfully this time the dates are set in stone; as in, the airfare and hotel has already been booked.
It’s a good thing, because I’ve just about reached my limit. The ups and downs, sleeplessness, weight gain, the physical withdrawals, anxiety, nightmares, freezing up again…the return of my symptoms with a vengeance has me both physically and mentally exhausted. I don’t mean to complain, but to be fair, coming off of amphetamines, benzodiazepines and antidepressants is a bitch. It hurts, inside and out.
Then there are the discussions about “Why are you doing this? Just quit!”, which is the gist of what I hear when I say the study has been delayed yet again. Nobody wants me to quit more than me.
I understand why some don’t understand why I don’t just drop out, especially considering I’m in a situation in which this would be the absolute best possible outcome: I receive the actual treatment (a 50/50 shot vs receiving a placebo), take it for a few days, there are no crazy unexpected side-effects, it works, then it’s taken away and I don’t see it again until it hits the market a few years from now. And that’s IF it makes it past the FDA.
That’s a lot of if’s.
As much as I would like to say I’m doing it for all the women and men out there who are suffering from PTSD just as I am, I won’t. That sounds too high-minded for me. I’m no martyr.
I am doing it for myself. It gives me a sense of purpose. It eases some of those sensations of feeling hopeless/helpless/worthless. Truth be told, I already wrestle with the guilt of not being able to contribute financially to my household or socially to my community. At least with this one thing I can feel like maybe, just maybe I can do something good.
Too many people are in pain. Despite the best of efforts, I remain in pain. It’s hard to accept the fact that you don’t just “get better”, and I am so fucking tired I barely know which end is up.
Ok, enough complaining.
I know that someday things will be different. I am grateful not only for the chance to be a part the progress towards change, but also for the people in my life who love and support me unconditionally, and for those who are conducting this much-needed research. Through their actions, countless lives will be touched.
I’m grateful for all those who reach out to me online as well, because they let me know that I’m not alone in this fight. For all the Facebook comments, messages, emails. The moral support keeps my feet on the ground and helps me remember that I’m NOT a freak, that I’m NOT weak and I’m not broken.