So I had one of those crappy starts today. After deciding to sleep in just a little extra today I dreamt of my sister – not really a nightmare, but emotional. I woke up, made myself a couple peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, then proceeded to spill milk everywhere! Soggy sandwiches and (argh!!) SOGGY PHONE. The speakers stopped working on my phone, but luckily I was able to take it apart and dry it out with a hairdryer…and it works! Whew. So I said screw it and chucked the sandwiches in the trash and am enjoying a plateful of buttermilk
Sleep. The Good Kind. And NYC Shuts Down I am becoming fully convinced that there is nothing quite as healing as a good night’s rest. The past few nights I’ve had the best sleep (and NO nightmares!!) I’ve had in years…I can’t even remember ever sleeping this well. It’s been a deep, restful sleep. Not the kind you get from a sleeping pill. Just a very natural feeling rest. Is it medication? Is it exhaustion? Again, only time will tell. I should find out if I am taking a placebo or medication by May. I know that in just a
I’ve been out and about for over 3 hours now. I felt a little anxious on the subway…but I think that was out of concern that I might miss my ferry. It didn’t seem to be the usual something bad is about to happen gut-gripper I usually get. I’ve been able to focus on the sights and enjoy them without getting compelled to run back to the hotel. Oh! And one of the ferry crew began banging loudly on the aluminum benches to scare away the birds…and I didn’t jump. Like, at all. How cool is that? I love good
The hard part is over, and I now have in my possession the remainder of my trial medication. I report back to NYU in just under a week for the final fMRI and to turn in my medication dosing diary. I feel…well, I feel great. Comfortable in my own skin. A feeling I haven’t had in a very long time. Is this the result of the medication or could it be the placebo effect? Again, only time will tell. Whatever it is, I am giving myself permission to enjoy it. 🙂 I reported to CBI early this morning for another
Pfizer Drug Trial: Day 1 (Visit 2) ….is done. It was a long day, but productive. It’s hard to tell if the meds worked (or if I received actual medication at all – it could be a placebo) because of being in a stressful situation – fMRI scans, mild electrical shocks to the wrist to induce stress, etc. – but the worst is over. Tomorrow I only have one fMRI/trigger session, then I’ll be able to get a better idea of how the meds affect me because I’ll be in a more normal environment. Today’s happenings: after reporting to the NYU School of
Screening went quick and painless today. Got the full work up again, they took some blood samples and cut me loose for the day! I’m proud of myself…I didn’t just hole up in my room! I hopped on the first train I could and ended up at Times Square, then headed down to the 9/11 Memorial which was absolutely beautiful. I have a free day tomorrow, and “the big day” is on Thursday – the day I first start the meds, more brain scans and triggering sessions. One thing at a time though…I’ll be enjoying a nice, quiet night in
Tomorrow – off to New York for my first round of PTSD-specific research medication. As nervous as I am, I feel so incredibly lucky to be able to participate. It’s been a very long road getting to this point. Thousands of miles travelled, extensive psychological and physical workups, brain scans…but it has been as validating as it has been exhausting. TEN MONTHS of planning and preparation. I have been taken off and put back on my medications FIVE TIMES due to false starts. I am fried. But here I am, FINALLY. After all this time, all the delays, all the
Three more days until I depart for New York, and I’m not sure if what I am feeling is nervousness, excitement or anxiety. Probably a mix of everything. I want time to stop and speed up at the same time! As much as I dislike taking my routine medication, whenever I go off of it I am reminded as to why I am on it in the first place. Amazingly enough I’ve been able to fall asleep without too much of an issue lately, however the nightmares have been kicking my ass for the past few days. My parents keep
Just one short week before the beginning of three long weeks of clinical trials. Being off meds has, without being overly dramatic, sucked. But the clock is ticking and before long it will all be over with. After these studies are complete, I will be taking a breather from PTSD research. It’s been a long year, and I’m ready to continue focusing on my own life and all it has to offer. One month from today, I’ll be home and it will be all over. I am ready.
Two days off meds, and I’m aching pretty much everywhere. Going to go rest some more. All will be well.