The noose is loose…finally

My brain is finally starting to really loosen up from 13 days of hell. At one point I thought I was actually going to have a flashback, but fortunately that never happened…I’m so thankful that it didn’t.

I wrote this on Thursday in an attempt to document what I was feeling emotionally, mentally and physically. It was not easy, and it ended up taking several hours to write.

I’m feeling better, but I am exhausted. I’m getting back up on my feet. Now I just need to dust myself off and get moving again.

Thursday 02/19/2015

When it first started on February 10th, I was convinced that everybody was mad at me. It became difficult to really communicate those feelings. Given that sometimes I do have an overwhelming sensation of being surrounded by anger even when I’m not, I just kept reminding myself that it wasn’t real.

I felt irritable, annoyed…pissy. I didn’t act out on it, it’s just how I felt inside. I was in what I call autopilot mode, where for at least a short time I can manage to act pleasant and be functional.

Now I’m in lockdown – not something I haven’t experienced or managed before, but never quite this long. It’s what follows autopilot.

Ears ringing, irritable, hands and feet are ice cold (and I’m finding it difficult to keep warm in general), hard to swallow and no appetite. My entire body has been tense, my muscles ache, and I have a mild headache because I keep clenching my jaw.

SUPER sensitive to peoples moods. Scattered, disorganized and I have difficulty focusing on anything, even briefly. For example – I’ll try to read something. I think I’m reading it, but then suddenly I realize I haven’t actually read anything but maybe the first two sentences. It is very frustrating.

I am isolating hardcore. I haven’t left the house in 8 days. In fact, I’m having trouble leaving my little safe corner of my house right now. It feels like I’m stuck, and I have to force myself to move.

The days are slipping by and I’m losing track of time. I’m not really doing anything physically in that lost time…the best way to describe it I guess is that I’m lost in my own mind.

I am having a difficult time being around anybody right now. Even having somebody in the same room with me elevates my anxiety to a point where I completely freeze. I have to fight it off just to move or speak.

On Sunday I discovered that my previous issues with tachycardia have returned. I don’t feel my heart pounding or anything – I discovered it after taking my blood pressure because I felt a little woozy. Resting heart rates were in the 120s, standing in the 160s. As of now it has gone down to a resting rate in the 90s.

I’m having trouble communicating…it’s not that I don’t WANT to, but I feel like I need to be quiet. Any consideration of talking to anybody, be it in person or on the phone, is seriously agitating.

I’m tired and wired at the same time, and I feel like a crazy person.

2 Comments

  1. Jim Crowley

    June 28, 2016 at 2:12 pm

    Diane, I came to your site after reading the article in the times. I just want to tell you to keep fighting. When I think about folks like you whether it be combat vets or survivors of horrible things like yourself, all I can think of is how challenging life is for normal people like me – middle aged guy, good health, great family, great childhood, etc. I think about how affected I can be by normal difficulties and I wonder how folks who’ve been through such difficult things keep on moving forward. And I think about the lack of compassion many people have (I’m guilty, too, though, sometimes. I think that part of the reason for that is that it seems there are so many people out there these days milking the system.) So, I just want to tell you that you are an inspiration and I wish you well.

    Jim

    1. Diane Ruffcorn

      June 29, 2016 at 12:44 am

      Thank you for the kind words, Jim 🙂

Leave a Reply