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February 2015

The noose is loose…finally

My brain is finally starting to really loosen up from 13 days of hell. At one point I thought I was actually going to have a flashback, but fortunately that never happened…I’m so thankful that it didn’t. I wrote this on Thursday in an attempt to document what I was feeling emotionally, mentally and physically. It was not easy, and it ended up taking several hours to write. I’m feeling better, but I am exhausted. I’m getting back up on my feet. Now I just need to dust myself off and get moving again. Thursday 02/19/2015 When it first started

Not feeling well…at all

I have a practice on here of being pretty honest about how I’m feeling. Right now I’m in the middle of a big fat FUBAR event. I am certainly dissociating, and have been for several days now. At first I thought it was just going to be a little anxiety attack…nothing unusual. It kept going and growing, but still up until just a few minutes ago I thought it was going to pass. Now I think I might be headed into a full-blown flashback. I’m in a safe place, in contact with my therapist and medical professionals. I am going

NYU – Eli Lilly Drug Trial: Baseline, Dosing Challenge Study (Visit 1)

Just ONE. MORE. DAY. Today is what’s called the Dosing Challenge Study – based on the flip of a coin, one of the following happens: I receive a placebo I receive 40 mg of pomaglumetad methionil (the study drug) I receive 160 mg of pomaglumetad methionil About an hour before dosing, I have to participate in a behavioral task/triggering session. Electrodes are attached on my body to record muscle movements, mainly under my eyes to track my blinking. Sweating will also be measured. I will receive mild electric shocks to my wrist while listening to bursts of extremely loud white

NYU – Eli Lilly Drug Trial: Screening Visit

Rough Day. Rough Night. Getting up this morning was a little rough since I didn’t get to sleep until around 5AM! But I was up at NYU bleary-eyed and bushytailed at 8:30 AM as per schedule. Screening went smooth, I’m getting used to the drill by now. More assessments, blood work, ECG, physical, please pee in this cup, etc., etc., etc. It was just a couple of hours, then I was free to leave. Again I have to say that the staff there is truly amazing. They are understanding and gentle, and treat me with respect. But god I feel

Countdown to Drug Trial Two…

I really need to get some sleep…I have to be at the hospital for screening at 8:30. The past few nights my parents have been in my dreams again – not doing anything, not saying anything, just watching me and staring at me. It hasn’t been scaring me really; the best way I can describe it is that it has been creeping me out. I really wish I could get the hang of that lucid dreaming thing. Ah well…meditation time. Onward, onward, onward.

NYU – Eli Lilly Drug Trial: Back in NYC

Back in my hotel room after a long day and night! I flew in on a redeye and the flight here was crowded and I was squished in my seat by a rather large fellow with a robust snore. At least he slept well. 😉 It was 78 degrees when I left, 10 degrees when I landed. Freaking cold!! But I love it. I made my way to the hotel, got an early check-in with no problem, and after a good breakfast I popped over to NYU for my follow-up bloodwork and last official visit for the Pfizer drug trial. Easy

Informational Links about PTSD

As a follow-up to the post I created yesterday regarding the effects of PTSD on the brain, I’d like to share some links with all of you. If you have research that you would like to share, please feel free to post it in the comments section or send me the information via the send a message form! It is together with knowledge that we find the tools to heal. Elevated brain cannabinoid CB1 receptor availability in post-traumatic stress disorder: a positron emission tomography study PTSD Pharmacotherapy Could Target Cannabinoid Receptors, Study Suggests Marijuana-like compound could lead to first-ever medication

Why can’t you just get over it? There could be a biological reason.

This question, while highly offensive when asked in the usual manner, deserves an answer. Those of us who suffer from PTSD day after day and year after year – WE deserve answers.And now we are getting them. Do you feel jumpy all the time? Find it impossible to get to sleep? Have recurring nightmares? Are you angry or irritable for no apparent reason? There’s a reason for that, and it has nothing to do with character flaws. Below you’ll see brain scans of three different people: – one who experienced trauma and developed PTSD (PTSD) – one who experienced trauma