I have been debating on whether or not to share my current meltdown status here on my Facebook blog because I try to keep it as positive as possible, and don’t want to disappoint anyone by coming across as weak.
So on the advice of a very dear, strong friend – I will be honest. I’m a fucking wreck.
Since the New York Times story about the canned PTSD studies went to print I’ve been fighting off feelings of guilt, shame and fear.
As more articles are published I keep seeing my name and the words “childhood sexual abuse” and “mentally ill”, and it’s hard. I feel deeply shamed. I thought I was past all that, but you know…always a work in progress, right?
I feel guilt for being a part of getting someone “in trouble”. This morning I thought about what the doctor (the lead investigator of the studies) is going through, and actually started bawling and thinking “I’m so sorry…”. WTF is WRONG with me??
I’m so sick of feeling sorry for things that do not belong to me. And I’m working on changing that.
So for today – distraction. Off the computer for awhile, keeping myself busy.
Thank you and love to my friend Karen for keeping me honest. You’re my inspiration. <3